Chaz Bono is huge

I'm just sayin, and I mean no disrespect...but Chaz Bono is f*cking huge. Like...he should go on The Biggest Loser huge.

Minus 3 for a double chin that could probably feed a couple starving third world countries.

Hailey Glassman talks Jon Gosselin

Minus 3 points to Jon Gosselin not only being as big of an attention whore as his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate is being, and apparently being an assh*le boyfriend at the same time. Hailey Glassman is going to be on The Insider tonight talking about Jon's "mantrums" and how she's being uber emotionally abused. I couldn't put the video up in this post, but you can go check it out here.

Jon, you suck...go the f*ck away. Please.

Preview of Britney's "3" video

Gotta give Britney a plus 5 for looking super hot (as always...well...minus the meltdown era and her disgusting vagina) in her new video for 3. The full video drops tomorrow, but I got my hands on a few stills, plus a quick clip, which you can check out here.

MJ's autopsy photo being released

Word has come down to me that a picture of Michael Jackson on the autopsy table may be released really soon. The pic is just of MJ's face and shows his shaved head, his eyes open, and no makeup on him at all since it had been washed off.

Minus 20 to whatever douchebag is going to release this. Let the guy rest in peace, huh? And think of his kids...how fantastic (sarcasm) would it be for them to randomly come across a pic of their father dead on a slab looking uber creepy and...well, dead?

Jon Gosselin and Octomom NOT teaming up

Rumors were flying around yesterday that Jon Gosselin and Octomom were going to team up for a reality show based on being single parents of about 4,234,123 little brats. THANKFULLY I can say that this is uber false, and Jon even dropped a "Hell no!" when Octomom said she thought he was hot.

Minus 8 to my eardrums, which started bleeding when I heard about the possibility of this tag team.

Brangelina behind the scenes

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are having a behind-the-scenes book published about them that'll be out around the Holidays that follows their lives off of the big and small screens, and also contradicts what douchebag bloggers like us write about.

Minus 4 because I really don't give a rat's ass what Brangelina does behind closed doors, especially if it involves no clothes, or a banana hammock and a smile.

Abby Rike voted off Biggest Loser

Last night's episode of The Biggest Loser was really bittersweet -- during the last chance workout, we saw Abby Rike finally realize she found herself and remembered how to live again instead of going through the motions after the horrific accident that took the lives of her husband and their 2 children. But after the Black team lost the weigh-in, Abby sacrificed herself for the team, saying that she knows she's where she needs to be mentally and she's going to be okay.

Plus 1 million points go to Abby for overcoming something that I know there's no way about 98% of us never could, and for kicking her own ass at the same time and dropping over 80 pounds. Here's hoping you can win the at-home contest, Abby...you deserve it!

Andre Agassi loves him some meth

Andre Agassi admits in his new book Open that back in the 90's when he needed an escape, he'd always turn to some meth.

No score for this because it has no real impact now, not to mention if I was married to someone that looks as manly as Steffi Graf, I'd probably need some drugs too.

Corey Feldman divorcing

Word dropped yesterday that Corey Feldman's INSANELY gorgeous wife, Susannah, has filed for divorce and is looking for sole custody of their 5-year-old son with visitation rights for Corey.
Minus 2 points to Corey for being an idiot and letting a girl that looks anything like she does go. Total knockout.

Michelle Obama Glamour cover

Michelle Obama is on the cover of the new Glamour magazine, and it gets a minus 7 from me for no other reason than me being f*cking SICK AND TIRED of the Obamas' being all over the media. They're all over mag covers, all over TV shows -- I'm SICK OF IT. I get it...first black President, big deal...yippie skippie.

You were elected to be President, not a bigger f*cking attention whore than Kate Gosselin and Octomom and everyone in between.

Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair returning to wrestling?

Wrestling fans, get ready...Hulkamania is RETURNING!! News broke yesterday that Hulk Hogan inked a deal with TNA, and he's apparently appearing on iMPACT! tomorrow night! On top of that, he's also bringing Eric Bischoff (former President of WCW) with him, and there's also rumors circling around that Ric Flair might be joining them in TNA too!

This gets a plus 4...I wanted to give it more, but it depends how they're going to be used. If they (and by they, I mean Hogan) are going to try and hold down younger talent, then that sucks. But if they use them right and try to build up the younger wrestlers and the company overall (to rival the WWE), then this could be one huge load of awesomeness that the Wrestling Gods just busted in their pants.

Yeah...graphic, but you smell what I'm cookin.

James Franco Gucci ad

James Franco gets a plus 5 for this hilarious Gucci "ad" that's featured on FunnyorDie.com where he rips on himself for not being able to say the word "Gucci" correctly.

Ironic thing is he's actually the face of Gucci's new fragrance, "Gucci by Gucci." High-five James...you had me LOL'ing.

Adam Lambert album cover

Adam Lambert debuted the cover art for his upcoming album, For Your Entertainment, and I gotta say...I'm not feelin it at all. When I first looked at the picture (and didn't notice his name at the top), I thought it was a chick and tried figuring out who it is.

I get that he's going for the whole glamorous look, but minus 3 points for not looking like yourself but actually looking like the opposite sex.

Roman Polanski rape victim speaks

Samantha Geimer, the chick who got raped by Roman Polanski when she was 13 years old, wants the charges against him dropped and the media storm to stop. She said she's had offers for interviews from over 500 media outlets, including Oprah, but she just wants it to go away and she's publicly forgiven Roman for swiping her V-card when she wasn't exactly all for it.

Plus 4 points to Samantha for trying to end all this bullshizzle, because it's more annoying that getting a sweat rash on your inner thighs from running on the treadmill.

Lamar and Khloe WILL divorce

Minus 5 points to Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian for not only making the celeb news once again, but also idiotardedly dooming their marriage. Everyone knows that the WORST thing you can do for the luck of your marriage is get a spouse-related tattoo, and that's just what Lamar and Khloe did. They got each other's initials tatted on their hands -- Lamar has "KO" and Khloe has "LO."

I officially give this marriage 3 years, tops.

Bruce Springsteen cancels performance

Bruce Springsteen cancelled a scheduled performance in Kansas City the other day, but that's not why we're throwing out a minus 2. The reason for the cancellation was because one of The Boss' crew members died -- and it just so happened to be his 36-year-old cousin. So that's why this fails, because family deaths suck moldy poo.

Our thoughts go out to Bruce and his family.

Chris Farley Direct TV ad

A brand new Direct TV commercial came out featuring the famous "fat guy in a little coat" scene that David Spade and Chris Farley did for Tommy Boy. Apparently, people have been blasting the ad, saying that it's too soon and disrespectful to Chris.

Really? Okay then, let's never show Black Sheep, Tommy Boy, Billy Madison, or any other movie he's been in, because it's disrespectful to display him even though he's dead. While we're at it, let's just burn every tape of him on Saturday Night Live, and sue anyone who searches for him on Google.

He's been dead since 1997...that's 12 years, ya jackasses. Get over it, and take a minus 8 for your troubles.

Imogen Heap's Thriller cover

There are some songs that I make a mess in my pants over when acoustic versions are released, whether they're acoustic originals or acoustic covers.

Imogen Heap covered MJ's Thriller on the ole piano, and I'm giving it a minus 3. I hate saying it because I get that it's a tribute, but it sucks. Really. I feel like I could make a better song if I farted the ABC's.

Ricky Gervais hosting Golden Globes

Plus 3 points to the news that Ricky Gervais is hosting the Golden Globes. The show hasn't had a host since 1995, but they decided to bring back a host for this year's, and they're going with one of the funniest Brits out there.

And before you ask, no...I don't consider Russell Brand to be a funny Brit. He sucks more than his greasy creepy hair.

Shauna Sand wants you to see her get railed

Last week, word came out that a sex tape featuring that human semen dumpster Shauna Sand getting nailed by her current boyfriend is going to be released by Vivid Entertainment. Shauna put up a fight and said that she never approved of the release, but we're getting word that she actually signed off on the deal.

Minus 5 for trying to act like the opposite of the slut that we all know you are.

Ivanka Trump married

Congrats go out to Ivanka Trump, who was married yesterday to her long-time boyfriend Jared Kushner. It all went down at the Trump National Golf Club in Jersey.

Plus 6 points go Ivanka for getting hitched, but minus 3 points for getting married in a state that smells like dripping sumo bumhole and rotten skunks, for an overall score of plus 3.

Brad Pitt motorcycle crash

Settle down you hosebags if you're all worked up...Brad Pitt is fine. He didn't get into a serious motorcycle crash, more like a bar-bender. He was riding over the weekend on his days old bike when he tried maneuvering between a parked car and another car that was stopped at a red light, when his handlebars caught the sideview mirror of the parked car and he took a tumble.

Plus 2 points to Brad for showing that celebs make mistakes just like us regular folk, and also because I f*cking HATE when people on motorcycles think it's cool to weave in and out of traffic just because they're smaller/skinnier than someone in a car. Can't tell you how many times I've been tempted to open my door so they eat pavement.

Tom Sizemore sued

Tom Sizemore is being sued by his ex-girlfriend Jinele McIntire for being a total dead beat dad. Jinele said that Tom owes her almost $60,000 in child support and hasn't seen their 4-year-old twins since he taped the reality show Sober House earlier in the year.

Minus 5 to Tom, because all dead beat dads should be shot directly in the bumhole with a BB gun.

Andrew Lloyd Webber has cancer

Andrew Lloyd Webber announced that he has prostate cancer over the weekend. Luckily, the doctors caught it early and rumor has it he'll be back to work by the end of the year.

I was originally gonna throw out a minus 3 to ALW for having horrible plastic surgery (oh hi there, Mickey Rourke lips), but I felt guilty, so the minus 3 goes to cancer sucking ass.

Nicole Kidman blames Hollywood for women beating

Nicole Kidman is blaming Hollywood for all of the violence out there against women.

THIS JUST IN! Marilyn Manson's music is responsible for all the school shootings that have ever happened. Shut the f*ck up Nicole, you STARRED IN A MOVIE about a dude (Billy Zane) that tries to kill a chick (you). Minus 7 for being a total assbag.

MJ's kids involved in crash

Michael Jackson's kids were involved in a car crash yesterday on their way to karate class...well...kinda. There was a whole caravan of cars surrounding the car the kids were actually in, and some douchebag paparazzo decided it'd be a good idea to chase the caravan around to try and grab pics. He ended up slamming into one of the cars in the caravan, but not the one the kids were in.

Minus 5 for d*ckbag photogs that can't let the kids do something as simple as going to a frickin karate class without having to deal with shizz.

Miles Brown dances his ass off on Ellen

Gotta give a sa-weet plus 6 to 4-year-old Miles Brown, who was a guest on Ellen yesterday and set the dancefloor on fire. Of course, that was after he sat on the couch and talked/acted like little 4-year-olds do: cutely. Check out the video of his appearance below...kid's hilarious and is a sick dancer.

Bronson Pinchot trashes Tom Cruise

YESSSSSSSSS!!! High-five and plus 9 points go out to Bronson Pinchot, who is most famously known as playing Balki Bartokomus on Perfect Strangers (a show that totally reeked of stellarocity when I was a kid) for bashing Tom Cruise. Bronson starred in Risky Business with Tom, and said that he was a total bore, called everyone by their character names, and always found a way to make awkward gay comments.

Bronson is the sh*t. He came across like a total creepy perv on his season of The Surreal Life, but he's still the sh*t because Balki is God.

Jason Mesnick finally proposes to the 2nd girl he picked

Remember that uber-tool Jason who was The Bachelor and ended up picking Melissa Rycroft in the finale, then during the reunion show, dumped Melissa for the runner-up Molly? Yeah, well Jason finally proposed to Molly, and she said yes.

Minus 5 points for him taking up space on gossip blogs again. Go away.

Miley still getting crap for her Sex and the City cameo

Miley Cyrus has been getting crap from a ton of different media outlets for being only 16 (going on 17 soon) and making a cameo in the R-rated Sex and the City 2, meanwhile she's supposed to be the face of Disney because of Hannah Montana.

Got news for you kids -- she's NOT the face of Disney anymore and she's moving on with her career. A Sex and the City 2 cameo is a mega step up, and she gets plus 3 points for ignoring the haters.

P.S. I'm saying that we see her in a topless scene in a movie by the time she's 20.

Sam Jones arrested

Smallville actor Sam Jones was arrested yesterday in a drug bust, which is always good for the ole Hollywood resume. Sam got nailed trying to sell more than 10,000 pills of oxycodone and faces up to 20 years in prison.

Minus 4 points to me for not even realizing Smallville is still on the air.

T.R. Knight is on the prowl

Fellas, T.R. Knight is back on the market if you're interested. He just split from his 20-year-old boyfriend (T.R. is 36) the other day, saying that there's no hard feelings and the relationship just came to its natural end.

Minus 2 points for...uhh...well I guess Mark since he's probably a little heartbroken.

Hulk Hogan almost killed Hulkamania

Ya know, part of me actually feels bad for Hulk Hogan. It's like ever since he's retired from wrestling, he needs some sort of void to fill the emptyness that'll also let him still be in the limelight...which is why he's turned into a reality TV whore. On top of that, he's releasing a "behind the scenes" type book of his life, where he dishes that he almost killed himself one night. Apparently, he downed some Xanax and rum, grabbed a gun and had his finger on the trigger when he got a call from his American Gladiators co-host Laila Ali, who thought he looked depressed at the tapings earlier in the day.

Minus 3 to Hulkster for even putting this in a book. I mean, not only does it make you look like a weak, pathetic person (sorry if that's harsh, but I have my reasons), but I also slightly don't believe it. You're telling me that while you had your finger on the trigger and were trying to work up the courage to pull it, you got a phone call that made you not do it? How movie-like, Hulk. You're killing your legacy.

Kim Kardashian wants a baby

Kim Kardashian is talking about wanting a baby by the end of next year in the latest issue of Life & Style magazine. I feel real bad for her -- she ended up breaking up with Reggie Bush about a month or so ago, then found out Kourtney was knocked up. She got all sentimental and wanted to give it another go with Reggie, and it didn't work out. Then 2 weeks ago, Khloe randomly gets hitched to Lamar Odom, and now she's back together with Reggie and wanting a baby.

Minus 5 points to Kim for feeling like she's left out of the mix. But hey, look at it this way Kim...neither of your sisters have one-upped you in the sex tape department...yet!

KANYE WEST DEAD!!

Okay, so he's not really dead, but "RIP Kanye West" was a trend on Twitter earlier today (and was still up there at least check a couple hours ago.)

This gets minus 4 points for not being true -- partly because I hate him, but mostly because it's gotta suck to be a friend or family member and see/hear about that and wonder what's going on. Then again, if Kanye was dead, you know his ghost would cut off all the newscasts -- "Yo Imma let you finish, but I just wanted to let you all know I'm dead. But Imma keep makin music in Heaven with Jesus so ya'll can listen when you get up here. KANYE UNIVERSITY 4EVA!!"

Or something like that.

Natalie Coughlin booted from DWTS

Natalie Coughlin was booted from Dancing with the Stars last night after she got the lowest votes from America.

She's hot, but it's not like she was a favorite, so this gets no score. It'll be sad to not see her hotness, but it's not like we're going to miss anything from not seeing her dance.

Kate Gosselin gets a one-hour special

The final episode of Kate Plus 8 will be pretty much an hour-long question and answer session with Kate Gosselin where she'll talk "about life, the show, and moving on."

Minus 28 points because I'm so f*cking fed up with all things Gosselin that I'm tempted to grab a pig from Mexico and lock it in their house so they all get swine flu and go away. (Okay, well not so much the kids as Jon and Kate).

Weezy headed to jail...again?

Plus 6 points goes toward the fact that Lil Wayne might be headed back to jail on gun charges (shocker, I know). He's tied to a gun that was found on his tour bus after a show back in 2007, and a DNA profiling technique could finger him as the owner/user.

He sucks about as much as Kanye, so not having him around will be spectacular. Make it happen, jurors!

Rihanna's playing Russian Roulette

Plus 8 points to whoever thought of wrapping Rihanna in barbed wire for the cover art for her new single, Russian Roulette. Rihanna's hot alone, but wrap her in barbed wire and...oh man.

Bethenny Frankel pregnant

Well, Bethenny Frankel can say goodbye to that sa-weet bikini body. Turns out just a day after news broke that she was officially engaged to her now-fiance Jason Hoppy (who proposed MONTHS ago but didn't get an answer until recently), Bethenny hit up her Twitter page to tell peeps she's knocked up. She said she wanted to be straight up with us, but was forced to come forward early.

Plus 3 points to Bethenny for working on preventing another Hollywood bastard child. Well, she gets points for that, and also for obviously setting up a situation that's going to be a trainwreck, because they're clearly only getting married so soon because of the baby. I give it 3 years.

Big Brother pill popper

Minus 2 points to Adam Jasinski, the winner of last year's Big Brother, who got busted and was forced to tell police that he used his $500,000 of winnings to buy a ton of oxycodone pills so he turn around and sell them. Smart guy to try and at least double his money, but uber dumbass for being in Florida and trying to strike a deal with someone in Boston.

Gosselin kids are being little brats

Kate Gosselin said that her kids have been really "angry" and "acting out" lately, all because Jon Gosselin stopped taping of Kate Plus 8.

Yup...that's it Kate. It's not the divorce or the public bashing or the dozens of photographers up their asses all the time...it's the fact that they don't have a reality show anymore.

Minus 10 points. And as a side note, I hope a hobo beats the piss out of you.

Octomom talks Jon Gosselin

Someone asked Octomom what her thoughts are on Jon Gosselin. Her response? "I think he's hot!"

Hey Octomom...minus 11 points, shut the f*ck up, and keep your vagina in your pants.

Carrie Prejean thought her boobs were free

Well here's a total shocker -- now that they gave Carrie Prejean the boot from being Miss California since she didn't "meet her requirements," pageant officials want the money that they fronted for Carrie's fake t*ts back.

Really, Cali? You get a minus 4 for being an ugly group of idiotards. I hope Carrie gets knocked up and squirts breast milk in your eyeballs.

Anna Nicole was a drug addict

There's been a trial going on about Anna Nicole Smith's drug use, and it seems like people are deciding that Anna Nicole abused drugs.

Minus 7 to these douchebags for wasting our tax dollars, and my time writing this.

Lamar and Khloe nail their prenup

Newlyweds Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have nailed down a pre-nup that both have agreed to sign and are happy with.

Minus 3 to anyone who reports this (including us) since no one should really give a f*ck. I'm sick of hearing about these 2 clowns already.

Jennifer Love Hewitt talks breakup rumors

After rumors were flying around for a bit that Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy were over, Jen is finally addressing the rumors. She said they're not even making her mad, though. "I'm not going to lie -- it's not annoying, it's hurtful."

Hurtful? Minus 4 points for being a huge p*ssy, Jen.

Stephanie Pratt arrested

That c*ckbag Spencer Pratt's sister Stephanie was arrested earlier this morning at 3:45am for DWS -- Driving While Sh*tbombed.

Plus 7 to Stephanie for the most miserable looking mugshot ever.

Bethenny Frankel officially engaged

Minus 2 points to Bethenny Frankel of Real Housewives of New York City for officially becoming engaged last week. Doesn't sound too bad, except for the fact that her fiance, Jason Hoppy, proposed over the summer.

She sucks for taking so long. Like she'd find anything better.

Kourtney Kardashian robbed

Bad news bears for Kourtney Kardashian. Her and her boyfriend showed up at home on Saturday night to find that their house had been broken into. Kourtney said hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry was stolen, and a lot of the stuff her dad left behind was taken too.

Minus 3 points, because getting burglarized sucks as much as Popeye running out of spinach.