Kathy Ireland's off the dance floor

Kathy Ireland was given the boot from Dancing with the Stars last night after she bombed with her dance on Monday night. She actually kinda reminded me of Denise Richards v2.0 for some reason, just really tight and reserved instead of going balls to the walls and having fun.

Plus 7 goes out to all of you who voted for other people!

Lamar and Khloe are married for real, yo

Lamar Odom shot down rumors that he wasn't legally married to Khloe Kardashian on Sunday, and that the whole thing is just a publicity stunt. He said that the ceremony was very real and beautiful, and thinks we should ask people who were there.

Minus 8 points to me for even wasting my time on this assyness.

Screech sucks

Dustin Diamond will ALWAYS be Screech from Saved By The Bell, and he knows it. And I'm pretty sure that's why he acts out the way he does -- it's because he's trying to separate himself from that persona. The ugly ass goatee that doesn't work on his face? The total d*ckheadedness? Yeah, total cover-up because he KNOWS he's never going to be anyone but Screech. And in another attempt to keep his attention whore flame burning, Douchey Diamond is releasing a behind-the-scenes-tell-all about the show that made him famous, titled Dustin Diamond: Behind the Bell.

Minus 3 points to throwing people that used to be his friends under the bus. And plus a kajillion points will go to either Mario Lopez or Mark-Paul Gosselaar getting their hands on this dude and beating the piss out of him.

Sara Paxton lays the smack down on the CW

Sara Paxton gets a plus 6 points for, in lesser words, telling the CW Network execs to go f*ck themselves. Sara starred in a brand new show called The Beautiful Life. Well, the CW pulled the plug on the show yesterday after only two episodes, and Sara is PISSED. She said that "there are some amazing episodes coming up that we were all proud of, but the CW didn't give our show a chance to succeed or fail."

Well, we give you a huge PREVAIL for telling the CW to suck it. I'd be pissed off if I worked hard on something too and pretty much had it pooped on.

Here's a math problem for you

I'm gonna sing to you right now to the tune of 2GETHER Calculus. Ready? Ok cool: "I know my heptagons...it says Kate Plus 8 minus Jon." Oh yeah, that's right -- Jon Gosselin has gotten the axe from his reality show on TLC with soon-to-be-ex wife Kate and their 8 little spawn. TLC gets a minus 10 for ditching Jon, who obviously needs this job to help take care of his kids. The universe gets a minus 10 for making Kate stay on my TV, not that I ever watch their idiotarded show anyway. And Jon himself gets a minus 20 for trying to crawl back to TLC and make them take their firing back. He did it by apologizing for his behavior lately (meaning being so public with women when his divorce with Kate isn't even finalized yet.)

Grow some balls, man. Kate is a mix between Satan and Lorena Bobbitt (google her) -- I'd bail the hell out too! Minus 40 points for this entire mess and lack of testicular fortitude.

DJ AM official cause of death released

The official cause of death has been released for DJ AM about a month after being found dead in his hotel room in NYC, and it's been ruled an "acute intoxication" death.

Minus 7 points for AM not being able to overcome his demons, and having cocaine, oxycodone, hydrocodone (Vicodin), Ativan, Klonopin, Xanax, Benadryl and Levamisole (a drug used to cut cocaine with) all in his system when he died. Real sad story. RIP AM.

Scarlett Johansson rocks Glamour mag

Scarlett Johnasson gets a sa-weet plus 5 for absolutely killing it with sexyness on the cover and inside of Glamour magazine for the October issue.

Seriously. Even my 82-year-old 95% great-great Uncle thinks she's a smokeshow. (Although he didn't say smokeshow, he said bee's knees, but you get it.)

Jon Cryer and a Half Man

Minus 4 points to me for such a lame blog title, but plus 9 goes to Jon Cryer for not only having an insanely cute wife, but also adopting a baby with her. Jon and Lisa adopted a baby girl named Daisy, who was only born about a month-and-a-half ago.

I'd still rather the kid that plays Jake on Two and a Half Men, but Daisy will do.

Jamie Kennedy isn't a cheat

Plus 3 points goes out to Jamie Kennedy for keeping it in his pants and not throwing it in a chick NOT named Jennifer Love Hewitt. There were rumors floating around that he was cheating on Jen with his ex Shannon Funk, but he killed the rumors on his Twitter page and called them "untrue and slanderous."

An undocumented minus 5 points for my hopes of Jen being single and being able to put my Love in her Hewitt.

Hulk Hogan knows peeps in Hell's Angels?

Plus 9 points goes out to Hulk Hogan for threatening to cripple Chase Holfielder (lead singer for The Mile After) for apparently messing with his daughter Brooke. Hulk left Chase a voicemail saying that he was gonna have a couple of Hell's Angels break his legs and he'd be performing on stage from a wheelchair. Listen to the voicemail below.

voicemail -

Khloe Kardashian: confirms wedding

I'm just gonna say 2 things to this: 1) Minus 14 points to Khloe Kardashian for the shotgun wedding to LA Lakers player Lamar Odom that's happening this Sunday (after only 3 weeks of dating), and 2) You're both a couple of f*cking idiotards.

Papa Freddie and Mama Sarah Michelle

Congrats and plus 3 points goes to Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar on the birth of their first little rugrat, Charlotte Grace. Sarah popped the little darling out this past Saturday, around the same time I was driving back from Atlantic City hungover as a bitch.

Mackenzie Phillips family shocker

Mackenzie Phillips is a total drugged up mess, and for some reason, she feels like revealing the most f*cked up family secret is a real good idea. In her memoir (and to People magazine), she talks about back when she had a crazy sexual relationship with some dude for about 10 years. It just so happens that "some dude" was her father (John Phillips from the group The Mamas and the Papas).

Minus 27 points for a combination of willingly f*cking your dad for 10 years, and for looking like absolute and total sh*t. Run over twice. In the dessert. Sprayed by a skunk. Then pooped on by an armadillo.

Jewel has a stalker

Jewel's hot, that's pretty obvious. Ever since she fixed her snaggletooth, I think every dude on earth has wanted to touch her where she pees...myself included. Well, there's some crazy dude who thought it'd be a good idea to actually try, and went to her ranch 2 days in a row and was arrested for it.

Minus 8 points to Jewel's stalker, but not for stalking her. He fails because he used the ole "I'm on a mission from God" excuse. Seriously? F*cking lame.

Heather Locklear joins Melrose Place reboot

In a move that totally reeks of stellarocity, Heather Locklear (who appeared on the original Melrose Place back in the 90's) has decided to join the cast of the rebooted version. Her bitchy character of Amanda Woodward makes her return to the show on November 17.

But she still gets a minus 12 for some sh*tty plastic surgery.

And Kevin Jonas best man is....

Plus 7 points goes out to Kevin Jonas for finally deciding to make both of his brothers, Nick and Joe, best men at his wedding to longtime boo Danielle Deleasa. I wonder how long it took him to figure out that since Danielle has 2 sisters, too, they could just rock a double best man/maid of honor deal.

Then again, I'm asking about smarts toward a dude who's 21 and decides NOW is a good time to get married. Dummy.

Suri Cruise hits Boston

Plus 5 points to Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise for walking the streets of Boston like normal peeps and not being surrounded by a ridiculous amount of security, but minus 8 points to Katie for putting Suri in heels already. The girl is like what...3? 4? Already wearing heels? Say bye to her posture, and hi to her gross ass feet.

Overall grade: Minus 3.

Chris Sligh needs some tissues

Chris Sligh might've been something like a phenomenon during his season of American Idol (which Jordin Sparks eventually won, and clearly she's doing just fine for herself), but he's pretty much saying he's a nobody now, and letting anyone who loses Idol know that they should expect to be the same.

You're not going to be successful. You're not going to be millionaires (with the exception of MAYBE Kris [Allen] and Adam [Lambert]). You are going to struggle. No one will care about you. Those fans who've been asking for your autograph all tour long - 98% of them don't give a flying poo about you once next season of Idol starts. They're not going to buy your album when you put it out 2 years late. Chances are you'll never feel the rush of playing in front 10,000 people who care about you again. Your star is waning and remarkably quickly. In other words, your days of being a star are over. But that's all right - so are mine. And I'm one of the most successful for my season of Idol. I'm not a star. Chances are I never again will be.

Minus 3 points for feeling sorry for himself. Check out the entire blog post right here.

The Hoff blames his ER trip on The Ear

Remember the post from yesterday about David Hasselhoff being rushed to the hospital over the weekend because he boozed up too much in his house? Well, just like before, The Hoff is denying that he was bombed. This time, he's saying that he has a massive ear infection and he took 2 meds for it that didn't react well together, and made him disoriented and sick.

That must've been what happened here, too...

MINUS 5 FOR YOU!

Linda McMahon running for Senate

A nifty minus 23 points goes out to Linda McMahon (who is the wife of WWE owner Vince McMahon) for deciding to run for a Senate seat. Really, Linda? After involving yourself in some idiotarded storylines, one of which involved you braindead in a wheelchair while you're husband madeout with one of the hottest chicks ever on WWE TV (then later made her get on all fours and bark like a dog), you think people are actually going to take you seriously?

Boo to you. And boo to WWE for sucking lately. And boo to my sanity for writing 3 wrestling-related posts today.

Blake Lively's bad luck

Minus 6 points goes out to the dude or dudeette who took this picture of Blake Lively on-stage at the Emmys. They made her look like she's performing some sort of sex act with the microphone that you can find in some porn that stars chicks with big boobs.

(An undocumented minus 12 points to me for actually going there.)

I love free t-shirts

Plus 4 points goes out to TNA Knockout Awesome Kong for sending me this t-shirt with her looking like she's about to bust some bitches up on the front.

Another plus 4 points goes out to me for taking this picture in my bathroom, for a total of plus 8.

Ric Flair scratch ticket

Plus 16 points goes out to the North Carolina Lottery Commission for honoring their favorite son with a scratch ticket. The $5 WOOOOOOOOOO! ticket, made in honor of Ric Flair, has a top prize of $100,000 and lets you win up to 16 times (since he's the 16-time World Champion...get it?)

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Jessica Simpson: Spiraling?

Friends close to Jessica Simpson fear she may be spiraling out of control following the dognapping of "Daisy," her cherished maltipoo by a coyote.

Daisy was her baby. It's going to put her into a tailspin. It will put her into the worst place ever.

But another source disagrees saying:

She's really upset, but she's not spiraling out of control by any means. She'll get through this but it is like losing a family member. She's focusing on work and spending time with her family and friends.

And the Roadrunner, who has some experience with coyotes, says:

Meep meep.

Minus 6 points to me for being such an @$$hole by making such a careless (and dumb) joke. Acme rules.

Sir Mix-A-Lot would love him some Kelly Clarkson

Gotta give Kelly Clarkson a plus 12 for being comfortable in her own skin and saying that she thinks she has a nice ass, and that she gets compliments on it all the time. But a minus 20 for clearly lying to herself leaves her with a final score of 8 in the hole.

Damn, one more and she coulda gotten a free round of mini golf at the Burger King in Methuen, Mass along with a free Whopper.

David Hasselhoff gets wasted again

David Hasselhoff was admitted to the hospital on Sunday and gets a minus 6 for drinking way too much booze at his house. His 17-year-old daughter Hayley called her mother (and David's ex-wife) Pamela for help. No word on whether he mouth-raped a burger again or not like the last time.

Jon Cryer shocks at Emmys

HUGE congratulations and a perfect 10 goes out to Two and a Half Men's Jon Cryer for pulling out an Emmy win for Best Supporting Actor, which happens to be one of my favorite shows out there right now. Jon was up against some big names, but apparently playing a character who constantly immasculates and castrates himself can help push the underdog to the top.

"Mad Men" and "30 Rock" dominate Emmys

A plus 5 and congratulations goes out to Mad Men and 30 Rock for dominating the Emmys like they did last year. Mad Men won for Best Drama Series while 30 Rock remained the staple for Best Comedy Series, with stars for both shows grabbing some solo awards too.

Blake Lively lets her Gossip Girls hang out

Plus 8 goes out to Blake Lively for wearing this dress to the Emmys last night, which let her "girls" get some fresh air, and left the fellas gasping for some.

Scott Weiland shakes up an airplane

It's really not something to joke about, so the title of this post probably reinforces that I'm a heartless assh*le, but Stone Temple Pilots frontman Scott Weiland had a seizure during his flight to Miami on Friday. The plane had to make an emergency landing in Dallas so he could get medical attention -- he's fine now and was cleared to continue along to Miami.

Even though it's the biggest hit he's had since his solo single Missing Cleveland, this still gets a minus 4, because seizures suck ass.

Khloe Kardashian getting married?

Rumor has it that after only a month of dating, Khloe Kardashian and LA Lakers star Lamar Odom are going to tie the knot this coming Sunday. This totally gets a minus 3 for being the dumbest idea since Jon decided to marry Kate.

Paula Deen + Kate Gosselin = Shoot Me.

Paula Deen may be teaming up with Kate Gosselin for a brand new show focused on motherhood. The pilot that's been proposed is going to include advice, health and beauty tips, and celebrity gossip news that's geared towards mothers and moms-to-be.

1) Paula Deen uses at least a stick of butter in all her recipes. And she's going to talk about health? She's halfway to a heart attack!
2) Kate is a total attention whore and her life is in shambles -- who in the blue hell would want advice from her?
3) Kate IS the celebrity gossip that would be talked about. I've had ENOUGH of her, and I really hope this show bombs, because I can already tell you it'll suck more than Paris Hilton on a Saturday night.

Avril's gettin a divorce, eh?

Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley from Sum 41 are getting a divorce, and I'm giving that a plus 5. No offense to Deryck -- I mean, I never wanna see a marriage get broken up, but I dated an Avril look-alike, and now I wanna open-mouth kiss the real thing.

Burt Reynolds: Pill poppin' Papa

A minus 4 points for Burt Reynolds getting hooked on pain pills after he got back surgery. But good news -- he checked himself into rehab. I just wish he was gonna be on Celebrity Rehab so we could see him fight with someone like Dennis Rodman, or possibly hook up with Mary Carey's cracked up ass. I mean...the dude IS Burt f*cking Reynolds -- he could reel in that piece of vag.

Pink injured

In a sucky piece of news that gets a minus 7 points, Pink separated her shoulder somehow (she said she's not sure how it happened, but thinks it was probably during rehearsal). The good news is she's still going to be performing her dates, but the suckier part is she's not gonna be able to do a lot of the aerial parts of her act like she did on the VMAs Sunday night.

Chris Brown: The court's bitch

Let me make this clear right off the bat -- Chris Brown the person doesn't get a plus 8, because I hate that mother f*cker more than I hate Kanye. But the fact that Chris Brown has now turned into one of those douchebags you see on the side of the highway clearing weeds and bagging trash gets a plus 8.

Susan Boyle could've won America's Got Talent in one show

We haven't seen or heard much of her since the Britain's Got Talent finale, but Susan Boyle was back last night on the finale of America's Got Talent, and she totally stole the show. Susan gets a plus 6 for her performance (which you can watch below), and also a special shoutout for not looking like a man-beast anymore.

NY news anchor thinks f*cking chickens is bad

Last night on New York's Fox 5 news, news anchor Ernie Anastos dropped the f-bomb following up his meteorlogist's weather report. For some reason, he told Nick Gregory to "keep f*cking that chicken."

Ernie gets a plus 10 for his sh*t-eating grin that totally says, "Hehehe, I just said f*ck on live TV," while his co-anchor Dari Alexander gets a plus 15 for a face that's either the most hilarious reaction to a statement ever, or the most awful O-face I've ever seen. Either way, the Fox 5 News team gets a combined plus 25.

I'm Ron Burgundy saying...go f*ck yourself San Diego.

Abby Rike: Biggest Loser's biggest heart

The Biggest Loser premiered last night, and I already have a favorite -- Abby Rike. Abby is starting off the show weighing I think 273ish, but that's not the reason I'm pulling for her. Abby was married to who she says is a great guy, they had 2 kids together. Abby's husband and her 2 daughters (one toddler, one newborn) all died in a car crash...which has obviously had a HUGE impact on her health and weight because of the stress and depression. But she's on The Biggest Loser right now ready to change her life and work through everything, and I seriously think this woman will have EVERY viewer behind her.

Abby's strength to keep going through one of the most heartbreaking situations I've ever heard of, plus try to change her life, gets a plus 400. Get it done, Abba-dabba!

If Kanye doesn't stop apologizing, I'm gonna castrate him

Well, Kanye West is apologizing AGAIN for his idiotarded jackassedness at the VMAs on Sunday when he interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Video. The first time was a blog posting (that apologized but kinda didn't, too) while the VMAs were still being aired. The second was another blog posting a few hours after that. The third was his appearance Monday night on The Jay Leno Show. But his fourth apology was finally the one he should've done from the start -- he called Taylor and apologized to her directly. Of course, this was after Taylor was on The View yesterday saying she hadn't heard from Kanye personally, and Whoopi Goldberg said that he should do the right thing. And to his d*ckbag credit, he did.

So, plus 5 to Kanye for doing the right thing. Actually, who am I kidding? I hate Kanye...the plus 5 goes to this hopefully being done and over with.

More to Love: Luke picks Tali!

So the 2 hour season finale of More to Love was last night, but since it was on at the same time as The Biggest Loser premiere, I didn't watch it. Especially since it's the same show as the Bachelor/Bachelorette, except with fat people, and we know how I feel about those 2 shows. Anyway, Luke picked Tali, which gets a plus 3 since she seemed like a sweet girl, plus he only used the other girl Melissa for her huge t*ts.

The other 20 points goes toward this show actually being over, which rounds up your plus 23.

Big Brother 11: Jordan Wins!!!

Hooray!!! Although she's as smart as a pile of flip flops, lovable Jordan won Big Brother 11 tonight and $500,000! She's an inspiration to a league of fans who don't know the difference between a duck and a vending machine. I was pulling for her though because she's a very genuine person and Natalie is a little beeotch.

Jeff won viewer's choice and $25,000. Jesse continued to make out with his muscles and he and himself will be married next May.

Plus 10 points to Jordan by the way because she can almost count that high.

Heidi Montag's new puppies... err.. puppy.

As annoying as she and her douche husband are, Heidi Montag sure has some nice puppies... err... puppy. She just celebrated her 23rd birthday today! Douchebag Pratt got her a new puppy for her birthday and Heidi couldn't be happier:

"Spencer gave me the best gift ever, a maltipoo puppy that we have named Dolly."

A) PETA raid that house NOW!!!
B) Hmmm... a "maltipoo???" Remember this from just yesterday's celeb news?
I do not like Heidi Montag. Minus 7 points for bragging about your new maltipoo a day after Jessica Simpson's was eaten by a coyote.
(But I do like her puppies.)
(I mean puppy.)
(I love animals.)
(And boobies.)

Olivia Wilde is hot and naked in GQ

Olivia Wilde rocks the cover of GQ magazine's October issue and has a spread inside, too. She gets a plus 18 for...well, it's pretty obvious.